“We just need more dots to connect. You should develop broad personal interests in a variety of subjects. What you present to the world should be narrow and show deep focus. In other words, generalize internally, and specialize externally.”
-Chris Do, Pocket Full of Do
Well, of course you feel behind.
Feeling behind is often equated to being behind, but I’ve noticed something else lately: when you’re on a non-linear path, you will feel like you’re failing even when you’re succeeding.
And it’s precisely a symptom of your path just happening to be a bit more squiggly than the others.
But that’s your superpower…
There’s nothing like having extremely high-performing, talented, brilliant peers to…
Inspire you?
Well, okay sure, but also sometimes to also make you really question whether you are doing everything right, thus making you feel behind.
I’ve felt this sort of existential fraud plenty, but recently a conversation with a mentor really put things in perspective.
What have I done? Have I wasted my time?
Am I doing this all wrong because I didn’t go intensely niche when I was still fresh out of high school?
Her answer was no.
Being an expert is great.
But generalists frequently make for the most adaptable, creative problem-solvers because their mind can incorporate more diverse perspectives.
Hence, “a jack of all trades, master of none, though oftentimes better than master of one.”
Measurement Errors & How To Mitigate Them
That’s easy enough to accept, but it’s not really too groundbreaking.
How do you reckon with the loss of potential mastery when you are investing in a greater variety of “trades”?
Because, let’s face it, when you choose to say yes to one pursuit, you are saying no to other ways of using that same time and effort.
And oftentimes, that means instead of getting better at X, you’re deciding to start from scratch with Y.
The issue here isn’t that you’re constantly a beginner, but that you are measuring your interdisciplinary progress against a specialist ruler.
So, while you might be a mile wide and an inch deep, you aren’t giving yourself credit for being a mile wide, but instead going, “They are a mile deep and I only made it an inch.”
Maybe it’s true- a specialist would be deeper than you in that area.
But to count that as a failure is silly. This whole time, you knew you weren’t aiming to get a mile deep anyway.
So the question that leads us to is: how do you actually measure success when your path is completely unique?
For the longest time, this puzzled me. (It still does.)
But I’ll let you in on what I’ve pieced together so far.
#1: Stop moving the finish line.
Isn’t it annoying when you’re playing a board game, and halfway through, someone picks up the rule book and decides that, conveniently, now the rules will apply?
If you’re nodding your head because your friends are also corrupt, join the club!
Yet chances are, you have been corrupted too.
The second I succeed at something I once obsessed over, I take it for granted and move the finish line.
For so long, all I wanted was to land a summer research fellowship. I applied to 21 opportunities. Only 2 said yes. Rejection emails littered my inbox like promotional spam.
Still, I was ecstatic.
Then, the summer rolls around and I’m living what was once my dream, but I’m not thinking about how lucky I am.
I’m thinking, “But what do I need to do next?”
Because if you’re not pushing to do better, someone else will get ahead of you.
Someone else will get into the grad program you want. Other people will steal all the filthy rich, emotionally-available-but-hot eligible bachelors. Someone else will win the race; someone else will take the dream job. Your time will run out.
But every time I think of the version of me one year ago, I’m brought back to Earth.
Maybe I’m not at the next thing yet, but I am here, and that is a finish line I crossed.
Let me have a moment where that is a win I celebrate.
#2: Constrain the opportunities you have to compare.
In a world that bashes you over the head for not being “disciplined” and “locked in”, let me tell you the lazy hack to being content with yourself: just don’t look.
Don’t lean into the mirror to gawk at how big and oily your pores are. Stop stalking the people who were mean to you in high school to see if they’ve gotten uglier or landed in prison.
When the witching hour arrives- you know, the time of night when your mind goes straight to “Maybe I should text my toxic ex” or “I am so ugly. Let me look at edited posts of models on Instagram”- just go to sleep.
If, like me, you haven’t reached enlightenment, the easiest way to abolish self-hatred is to just not give your brain more ammunition.
On the path that I’m on- a path that blends science and creativity– this has been especially important.
Because I can’t help but compare, I have just stopped trying to dig deeply into the “what have you accomplished and by when” questions, and instead focus on the “how did you do it” questions.
That way, I can put my energy into action rather than rumination.
#3: Share your wins with your cheer squad.
We all need someone to call when we feel like a loser.
You know, that friend who will scold you for “being so hard on yourself”. (It’s probably the same friend who is always replying to your late night musings with “Girl, shouldn’t you be asleep?”)
For me, it’s often my grandmother, who self-identifies as my biggest fan. Sometimes it’s my little sisters when they ask if I’m famous. It’s groupchats and Facetime calls. Perhaps it’s a mentor.
In my experience, the people who believe in you actually want to cheer you on.
They are only constrained by the information you actually give them.
So don’t think about it as bragging. Think of it as strategic sharing.
‘Strategic’ how?
It’s strategic because when you share with your cheerleaders, you will feel like a winner again. And winners keep winning.
#4: Record the “before” and “after” so you can look back and see how far you have come.
I used to think taking pictures after workouts was vain.
Probably because I have always associated that behavior with highly ostentatious Instagram posts.
You know the type- someone takes a picture of their alarm clock at 5:30am and posts it alongside an image of them grimacing in the gym by themselves, hating life because they probably didn’t get enough sleep.
And yes, I maintain the view that there is some vain, masochistic intent there.
But there is also so much power in scrolling through your camera roll to a photo from a year ago, and actually being able to see the difference in muscle definition.
For me, I’ve had a similar experience with reading diary entries from the past. I sigh wistfully, amazed at how faraway those stresses feel now.
This is an underrated method of validating your unconventional life. That’s probably because you don’t observe satisfying growth from one day to the next, but when you can observe bigger chunks of time, you will notice the difference.
And there’s nothing like knowing you’ve accomplished something meaningful to propel you forward.
Knowledge doesn’t change the feeling.
“The truth is that you aren’t lacking a destiny or purpose. There is a very good reason for your insatiable curiosity: you’re someone who’s going to shake things up, create something novel, solve complex, multidimensional problems, make people’s lives better in your own unique way. Whatever your destinies are, you can’t step into them while stifling your multipotentiality. You must embrace and use it.”
-Emilie Wapnick, How to Be Everything
You made it this far, but now is when you might be rolling your eyes, thinking, “Okay, sure. I get that I’m not actually behind. I still feel it though.”
So let me be more precise and give you the exact unsolicited advice that has helped me the most in the exact moments when it weighs on me the heaviest:
To feel less behind, celebrate those who are ahead.
In those moments- when you know in your head that you’re doing just fine, but your heart bleeds under the weight of every little mistake, every passed-up opportunity, and all the immense uncertainty of life- do this simple act.
Tell someone good job.
Usually, I open up LinkedIn, scroll until I see a post from someone I know, and I comment. Sometimes it’s a “congratulations”. Other times it’s “this is so cool”.
You don’t have to stay for too long, because I know it hurts a bit too.
Why do this seemingly torturous act?
Because cheering during other people’s wins demonstrates that I know my win is coming too.
It’s in those moments that success feels the most scarce. The jealousy rages most loudly, like anyone doing well has taken something that could’ve been mine.
But the second I type out something positive for another person, not only do they get more support, but I feel, somehow, like that “well done” or “congratulations”… was for me?
And just like that, my jealousy and contempt is transformed into something that starts to look like hope.
Is the change instant? No. Is it permanent? Ha!
But it’s easy, and it’s cumulative, and you can do it in less than one minute.
Furthermore, it’s what I need to do for my brain to actually convince my heart, in that moment, that my weird, windy path is not a defect, but a superpower.
Oh, and by the way, in case no one else has told you, I’m not behind and neither are you.
Where we are right now is exactly where we need to be.
Thought to Action
#1: Metabolize your emotions by creating something new.
#2: Make friends across fields and cultures by pursuing your weird interests alone first, and then with new friends that you meet along the way.
#3: Identify your “not to do” list. Sometimes less is more.
#4: Develop a daily reading habit starting with these books.
#5: Use journaling to identify the contradictions between your feeling and reality. Are you actually behind or is it only a passing feeling?
Sources
No external sources were used for this post.
AI Statement
Where was AI used?
SEO keyword research & optimization: This is the boring bit that has to do with aligning what I write with what search engines will put at the top of their pages. I let AI do it so I can focus on being a better writer (my specific AI buddy is Claude).
Where was AI not used?
Image generation: A human being took and selected every photo used in this post.
In any writing, at any point: A human being wrote this post with her heart and brain, not her LLM friends.
Thought to action section: This was entirely based on remixed ideas from past posts, which I curated based on their relevance to the main content in this post.
